


i would do anything (whatever she wants)

by blerkin9966



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Coming Out, Depression, F/F, Internalized Homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25536235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blerkin9966/pseuds/blerkin9966
Summary: Christen and Tobin through high school and college set to the albums "folklore" and "Punisher." It's sad and angsty, but worth it in the end.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 23
Kudos: 88





	1. DVD Menu

Hello! This is my first fic, so just roll with me on it. It’s basically inspired by Taylor Swift’s “folklore” and Phoebe Bridger’s “Punisher.” It follows T and C through high school and college. Lots of angst, but of course, ends happily. Some warnings: there will be conflict with religions, internalized homophobia, struggling with depression and anxiety, and cheating (kind of). I will update with anymore warnings as I go. Enjoy!


	2. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen notices Tobin seems a bit off. They end up having a conversation about Tobin's dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in Christen's POV. Each chapter will be different for the most part!

_I think your house is haunted / Your dad is always mad, and I think that’s why._

Christen entered the classroom and immediately noticed the bags drooping under her best friend’s eyes. They’ve been friends since middle school, and she knows that the presence of the dark circles on the usually bright and smiley girl’s face means something happened at home. She stands in the doorway for a moment, trying to figure out how to approach her without setting her off. She’d made the mistake of pushing too far in the past. Another freshman bumped into her as they made their way into the classroom, and Christen decided she would just have to go ahead and test the water.

Tobin’s gaze was fixed on something outside the window. Christen laid a gentle hand on her shoulder to grab her attention. When she looked up, Tobin’s eyes were dull, tired, and begging Christen not to wake up the anger sleeping behind them. Christen abandoned the intention to ask her what was wrong in exchange for a simple, soft-spoken “hi.”

“Hey.” Tobin gave her an awkward half smile. Enough to signal she was fine, but not enough to make Christen believe it was true. As much as she wanted to talk to her best friend that morning, she knew space was the best thing she could give her, so she took her usual spot in the seat behind her as their homeroom teacher took attendance.

A few minutes before they were to depart for first period, Christen noticed a rapid influx of notifications to the phone on Tobin’s desk. Tobin had returned fixing her eyes out the window, so Christen used the opportunity to sneak a glance at the screen over Tobin’s shoulder. The girl had ten messages from her dad. The realization unsettled Christen. Tobin never discussed her relationship with her father, but growing up together allowed Christen to see how damaging it was. Tobin’s dad was stoic, emotionless, and overbearing. Christen remembered the first time she noticed it: a club soccer game in seventh grade. Tobin put on an incredible performance with two goals and two assists, but missed an opportunity to convert a penalty kick after she was taken down in the box. Tobin was usually a little slow and distracted after games, but Christen noticed her intentionally taking her time to gather her things after the game. Typically, they would walk back to their parents together, but Tobin was taking too long so Christen jogged over to her mom for their usual post-game hug. She didn’t even notice that Tobin had made her way to the group of parents until she picked up on the deep, albeit hushed, voice of Mr. Heath.

“Could’ve been a good game for you if you hadn’t fucked it up with that botched PK.” Christen couldn’t believe he would say something so belittling, especially considering Tobin’s performance was phenomenal for the most part.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Tobin mumbled back, refusing to bring her eyes to meet his. Christen shifted her body to get a better look at the father and daughter while remaining discreet about it. She saw Tobin’s dad roll his eyes.

“You’re not focused enough. Or not disciplined enough. Same thing. You have to quit dicking around during your warm-up.” Christen quirked an eyebrow at the statement. Tobin lived and breathed soccer. To say she wasn’t focused was nothing but a fallacy. “I wasn’t dicking around,” Tobin bit back, still refusing to raise her head to look at her dad.

“Don’t talk back. Get your things and let’s go.” Christen could tell Tobin wanted to protest, but instead she grabbed her backpack from the ground, slung it over her shoulder, and followed her dad to their car. It was the first time Tobin left before saying goodbye.

_I think you should come live with me / and we can be pirates / then you won’t have to cry / or hide in the closet_

Later at lunch, Christen noticed Tobin sitting alone but looking slightly more at ease compared to her morning disposition. When Tobin looked up to see Christen coming her way, she even managed to show a more genuine smile. “Sup?” She asked as the curly-haired girl took her seat.

“Sup yourself. Done being all broody then?” Christen teased earning a sigh and a soft chuckle from her friend.

“Sorry about that. Long night.” The walls Tobin put up during homeroom were less prominent now, so Christen took the chance to ask.

“Yeah. What was that about? You good?” She kept her voice soft, hoping Tobin knew she wouldn’t push her if she didn’t want it. She watched Tobin sit in silence, knowing the girl was internally struggling with whether or not to open up.

“I’m alright. Just home stuff.” Christen examined Tobin as she figured out how to proceed. She chose to give Tobin the opportunity to decide when it was time talk.

“Well, if you want to talk about it, I’m here for you.”

“Thanks,” Tobin looked up at Christen to convey her gratitude with a smile.

They continued eating their lunch and talking about their days thus far. Every lunch went like this for the two girls. Ever since becoming best friends in middle school. It happened so naturally. Tobin joined the same club soccer team and later transferred to Christen’s private school after her dad had convinced Tobin’s parents that it was the best option for getting scouted by colleges, not to mention the fact that they would have two superstar players on the team, making a state championship seem inevitable. Their mutual love for soccer was only the beginning. Somehow, they just got each other. Tobin understood Christen’s need for order and routine, and Christen knew how to calm Tobin down on the field when she got a little heated. They’ve been inseparable since that first club practice.

After a quick discussion about their upcoming string of games, the conversation came to a lull as they finished their meals. Tobin cleared her throat a bit to grab Christen’s attention. Christen looked up to see Tobin meeting her eyes. “My dad and I got in a fight last night.”

Christen’s expression remained the same. She wanted Tobin to feel safe, and she wasn’t going to force anything out of her. “Ok.”

Tobin remained silent for a moment. “I think he’s divorcing my mom.”

“I’m sorry, Tobin.” Christen reached out to place a comforting hand on Tobin’s forearm. Tobin’s eyes shifted down to look at the contact, then back up as she took a deep breath.

“It’s fine. I’ve known it was coming.” She turned her face to the side to look away from Christen. “That wasn’t what the fight was about.” Another deep breath. “I just – I feel like he hates me. Or, at least, hates a part of me.” Christen furrowed her brows. Sure, Mr. Heath was tough on her, but it never seemed like anything more than overbearing pressure.

“I’m sure that’s not true, Tobs. He loves you. You’re his daughter.” She did her best to be comforting without outright dismissing the other girl’s feelings.

“No, I know, but he wants me to be different.” Christen watched frustration play across Tobin’s face. “It’s so hypocritical, too. He acts like he’s a Christian, but when it comes time to love someone different, he can’t handle it. Isn’t that what Jesus said to do? Not judge others, just love each other for who they are.” Christen almost responded, but it looked like Tobin had more to say. “I just spend so much time trying to be perfect or normal for him. It’s exhausting. I wish he would just love me and accept me for who I am.” Honestly, Christen wasn’t sure where all this came from. Until now, all of Tobin’s issues with her father revolved around soccer. Something about this felt different. It felt like Tobin was trying to tell her something in some abstract way to avoid explicitly telling her. She just couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Hey. I like you for you. I don’t think you need to change anything, and if he thinks you do, that’s his problem.” Tobin finally looked up at Christen and forced a smile. “Why don’t you stay at my house tonight? No offense, but you need some sleep, those bags under your eyes are not cute.”

Tobin gave a weak laugh, but her mood definitely picked up at the teasing. “I’m not sure I’d get much sleep with you and your loud snoring.”

Christen feigned offense and threw a fry at Tobin who dodged it and finally let out a full and genuine laugh. “Asshole.”

“I’m kidding, Chris.” She continued laughing before settling down. “That would be really great actually. Thank you.”

“That’s what friends are for!”

\--------

Later that evening, the girls had finished a movie they found on some illegal website and got ready for bed, both climbing under the covers of Christen’s queen bed. Christen leaned over to turn off her bedside lamp then settled back in. Something felt different, though. She looked over and Tobin was turned away from her and sleeping as far as she possibly could on the edge of the bed. She thought it was odd considering Tobin usually takes up the whole bed when she sleeps. She decided to ignore it, choosing to believe Tobin just needed space after everything that happened the night before. Christen settled her head on her pillow. Just as she was about to fall asleep, she heard Tobin softly call out, “Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for listening to me today. It means a lot. I – I’m really lucky to have you in my life.”

“I’ll always be here for you, Tobs. Seriously, you can tell me anything.” She heard Tobin sigh next to her.

“Yeah.”

“Goodnight, Tobin.”

“Goodnight.”

Christen closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, leaving a restless Tobin next to her, anxiously sifting through her thoughts.


	3. Punisher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin remembers the first time she met Christen; Kelley teases Tobin; Alex gets Tobin to open up for a moment, but the moment gets ruined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tobin's POV

_What if I told you / I feel like I know you? / But we never met_

~ Seventh Grade: First Slammers FC Practice ~

Tobin couldn’t keep her leg from bouncing up and down as her dad pulled the car into the long drive leading to the Slammers FC practice fields. She wasn’t nervous, rather electrified, excited to be joining the best club in the state. Mr. Heath barely had the car in park before Tobin hopped out, ready to join her new teammates.

“Tobin!” She came to a grinding halt as her dad’s voice boomed from behind her. She turned around with much less haste than she moved with only moments before. Her dad had her bag in his hand; she hadn’t even realized that she left it in all her excitement to get on the field. She jogged back over to her dad and tried to take it, but he pulled it back before she could get a firm grasp. “Focus. You’re all over the place. I’m not paying for you to screw off. This is an elite team. Act elite. Got it?”

She nodded her head. “Yeah.” As soon as the word fell from her mouth, she cringed, knowing what would follow.

“What was that?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Now get out there before you’re late.” Tobin pulled her bag from his hands and jogged over to the group of girls. Thankfully, it didn’t seem like any of them noticed the moment with her father; in fact, none of them had even noticed she was there yet. That is, until one girl looked over and smiled at her and ‘holy shit,’ she thought to herself. The girl’s hair was dark and curly. She had glowing, tan skin, but what really made Tobin stumble over her feet was the green (or was it gray?) color in her eyes. They were so light compared to her dark features. Her heart fluttered a bit, and Tobin justified it by convincing herself she was jealous of the girl who was just unfairly beautiful. The justification worked for mere seconds – all the way up until the words “hey, you must be Tobin” hit her ears in the softest voice contradicted by a slight rasp. In that moment, Tobin knew it wasn’t that she wanted to be the girl in front of her, but she wanted to be the girl the dark-haired girl spoke every word to from now on.

“Yep, that’s me.” Tobin managed to string together as she tried to shove down the heat crawling up her back, because nothing about this was right.

“I’m Christen. It’s nice to meet you.” Christen stuck out her hand and when Tobin met it to shake she expected to feel her skin burn, but all she felt was comfort, like a familiarity. Before Tobin could spiral any further, a piercing whistle sounded through the group, signaling the start of practice.

After getting initial introductions out of the way, they started through their usual warm up, Christen helping her through the new routine. They did some technical drills for an hour, then coach wanted to see how the team worked together, so he let them have a relaxed scrimmage to finish off the day. The chemistry between Tobin and Christen became immediately apparent. Even without looking, they somehow knew exactly where to find each other on the field. They’d never played together, but Tobin managed to pick up on every one of Christen’s strengths and tendencies on the field. Even better, Christen was patient with Tobin’s footwork. She didn’t rush her, because somehow she knew exactly where Tobin was going with her dance around the defenders, and she always ended up right were Tobin needed her.

Practice ended and most of the girls had gathered their things to leave, but Tobin noticed Christen hanging back, still wearing her cleats and gathering balls by the goal. She walked over to the other girl, careful not to disturb her focus, but Christen must have sensed her presence. “What are you still doing here?” she inquired. She didn’t sound upset, just a bit confused, like it was unusual for someone else to stick around after practice.

“I was about to ask you the same thing.” Tobin smoothly pulled one of the balls from the pile with her left foot and started juggling.

“I like to take shots after practice. Kind of just to fine tune everything.” Tobin nodded in response as she kept her focus trained on the ball at her foot. “Now, what about you?”

Without missing a beat as she juggled, Tobin looked up to answer. “I always tell my dad practice ends an hour later than it does. Gives me time to just play around for fun.”

“You didn’t have fun during practice?” Christen feigned offense. Tobin let the ball fall and laughed softly.

“Actually, I think I had more fun playing today than I have in a long time.” She watched as Christen’s mouth curled into a shy smile. “I just like to have some time where it’s just me and the ball, no distractions.”

“Oh, well am I going to be a distraction to you then?” Christen teased.

Tobin squinted her eyes at the girl, acting as though she was considering something. “Maybe. Probably. I don’t think I mind though.” Tobin grew suddenly aware of how flirtatious she sounded. Anxiety crept up her neck but came to a halt when she heard Christen let out a full laugh.

“Well, since we’re both here, how about we actually get to know each other? Maybe take a break from soccer for a little bit.” Usually, Tobin would be quick to refuse anything that pulled her away from the game, but the offer was too enticing to turn down.

“I think that’s a great idea.”

Christen dropped to the grass and folded her legs under her, so Tobin decided to follow suit. The two girls spent the next half hour discussing everything that popped into their minds: family, friends, movies, music. Tobin was surprised she wasn’t a stuttering mess. When she first saw the girl, her mind could barely form a thought, but once they got talking, she realized she had never been able to talk to someone so easily. Christen felt familiar, like she’d known her forever, not just for one practice. She decided she could ignore whatever that initial feeling that bubbled in her was because there was no way she could not be this girl’s friend.

Tobin saw her dad’s SUV in the distance pulling into the drive. When she told Christen she had to go, she convinced herself she was imagining the look of disappointment in Christen’s face. She jumped into the car after throwing her bag in the backseat and settled into her seat with a smile.

“Good practice?” Her dad must have noticed the goofy smile on her face.

“Great practice.”

_Either I’m careless or I wanna get caught_

~ Freshman Year ~

The Slammers FC U16 team gathered at the familiar benches along the facility practice fields. Most of the girls liked to arrive early to get all the fresh gossip out of their system before shifting into full focus for the next two hours. Tobin and Christen sat in their usual spot right next to Alex and Kelley, who are just about as close as they were. The other pair went to a rival school, so naturally, they fell into banter about Alex and Kelley’s plans to dethrone Tobin and Christen as reigning state champions. The girls went back and forth before settling down when they saw their club coach pulling into the facility.

A breeze swept through, and Tobin noticed the goosebumps form on Christen’s arms. It was spring, but there was a slight bite to the air. Christen must have left her sweatshirt in the car, because the girl was almost always bundled up. Without thinking about the fact that she would be cold herself after doing so, Tobin stood up and pulled her hoodie over her head and dropped it in Christen’s lap. “You’re cold. Put this on.”

Christen looked up at her in confusion. “Tobs, no, you’re going to freeze.” Tobin just shook her head in response.

“Nope. I’m actually kind of hot right now so it’ll feel nice.” That was a total lie. She definitely felt the cold nipping at her skin, but Christen gave her the sweetest smile in return, and she decided the heat that shot through her at the sight was more than enough to make up for her lost layer.

“Well, thank you then.” Christen slipped the hoodie over her head and rubbed her arms, trying to speed up the warming process.

“Geez, Toby! Didn’t know you were so chivalrous.” Leave it to Kelley O’Hara to make the moment uncomfortable. Tobin fought with everything she had to keep a blush from painting itself on her cheeks.

“Just being a good friend, K.O.” She shrugged off the rowdy defender.

“Well, I wish my friends were as whipped for me as you are for Pressy.” Tobin couldn’t tell if Kelley was jealous of how close she was with Christen, or if she just wanted to stir the pot. Probably the latter.

“Maybe if you were as nice as she is.” Tobin stuck her tongue out at Kelley to punctuate her playful jab. It took everything within her not to show just how flustered the defender was making her in the moment. Before Kelley could form her rebuttal, Coach’s whistle signaled the start of practice, and the girls hit the field to start their warm-up.

Practice finished up and the girls were back to gathering at the bench, the group dwindling down as parents arrived to pick them up. Eventually, only Tobin, Christen, and Alex remained. Christen had already gathered her usual pile of balls to take her shots. Tobin typically spent this time juggling and mastering new tricks. Practice was particularly difficult that day, so Tobin decided to take a moment to sit down and recover. She watched as Christen took shot after shot. Christen’s precision never failed to put Tobin in a trance. At least, she told herself it was just the precision and definitely not the way her legs looked as she strode towards the ball before striking it. She didn’t even notice Alex sitting next to her until the girl cleared her throat, causing the goofy smile on her face to fall. “Watchya lookin’ at, Tobs?” The smirk drawn across Alex’s face was undeniable. Tobin looked everywhere but back in Christen’s direction.

“Uh…nothing?” She was so thrown off by being caught, she couldn’t even pull it together to cover for herself. A blush crept up her neck into her cheeks.

“Right…” Alex looked like she was about to tease her, but her expression changed after noticing the concern in her friend’s eyes. They may not be as close as they were in elementary school – before they went to different schools, before Christen – but Alex could still pick up on Tobin’s moods. “Tobs.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Alex was cruelly perceptive. She always noticed the little things. Sometimes a blessing, but right now definitely a curse.

“Tobin. It’s ok, you know, if you like Christen. Like, more than a friend.” Alex placed a comforting hand on Tobin’s shoulder. Tobin refused to lift her eyes from the blades of grass she was counting to try to keep herself from breaking.

“It’s not like that.” She denied, but it was so weak, so lifeless.

“It’s not?” Alex’s unbelief was more than evident. Tobin took a shaky breath and finally looked up. First at Christen in the distance, then at Alex.

“I don’t want it to be.” She tried as hard as she could to keep any semblance of tears hidden behind her eyes.

“But it is.” Alex stopped questioning. She was stating it now, like she was not only realizing what Tobin felt herself, but also trying to get Tobin to understand that she couldn’t choose this feeling.

With a deep breath, Tobin tried to open her mouth, but she could only manage to nod. Alex wrapped her arm around Tobin’s shoulder and began to speak but was interrupted by the ding of a cellphone from behind them. “Shit.” They heard a voice behind them mutter. The girls turned to see their teammate, Jaelene, behind them. “I…uh…just left my shin guard. Came back to grab it.” Jaelene reached down and picked up the shin guard. “I’ll see you guys later.” She turned and quickly strode off back toward the parking lot.

Tobin’s breathing grew erratic and anxious. Alex tightened her grip on her. “Tobin.”

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” She couldn’t hold back her tears anymore. Her whole body shook.

“Tobin. You don’t know that she heard all that.” Tobin knew Alex was just trying to calm her down. There was no way Jaelene didn’t hear all of that.

“Alex. Her dad is the pastor at my parent’s church. I’m screwed. Holy shit.” Alex just kept patting her back. She didn’t quite know what to say.

_I can't open my mouth and forget how to talk / 'Cause even if I could / Wouldn't know where to start / Wouldn't know when to stop_

“Tobin? What’s wrong?” Tobin looked up to see Christen standing in front of her with a worried expression. Alex pulled back and shifted down the bench.

“I’m gonna head out. My mom just pulled in.” She grabbed her bag and jogged to the parking lot, leaving Tobin and Christen alone.

Tobin’s breath remained shaky, and her anxiety only got worse as Christen took Alex’s place next to her. “Tobin. Seriously, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?” Christen wrapped her arm around Tobin, which only made her body want to curl even more into a ball. She let out a few sobs that vibrated through both girls.

“I…it’s…” Tobin thought for a minute. The secret might get out anyway. She knows Christen would never hate her. Not for this. She was never scared of that. She just wasn’t ready to admit what all of this meant to herself. She didn’t want to admit that she wanted to run her hands through Christen’s hair. That she felt a twist in her stomach when the girl laughed. That she’s spent more time staring at the how delicate her hands and wrists were than doing homework, especially when she wore those gold rings. She definitely didn’t want to admit how she ached to nudge her friend’s nose with her own before closing in just a bit more to meet her lips. The lips that curled into the most magnetic smile she’s ever seen. And what all this meant…that she was…no…definitely not ready to admit that. What really made her lock her feelings deep inside, far away from where those green eyes could see them, was the fact that she knew, just knew, that if she told her, everything would change. Christen wouldn’t stop being her friend. She was too good and kind to do that, but she knows there won’t be any more of those moments where Tobin could pretend, just for a moment, that she can feel this way. Like when Christen places her hand gently on Tobin’s thigh to pull her into a conversation for just the two of them at team dinner. Or, when Christen runs her hand down her back when Tobin gets in a cuddly mood and goes in for a hug. Or, when they share a bed at sleepovers every other weekend. All of that ends if she tells her, Tobin thinks. If she couldn’t have the full thing, she’d rather have those brief moments where she can pretend it was something more than not have them at all. “I’ve just got a lot going on at home,” she lies. “Stress just kind of got to me.”

Christen nodded along. Tobin wasn’t sure if she believed her, but she knew Christen wouldn’t push it. “Well, I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

“Thanks, Chris. Really.” She looked up and gave Christen a pitiful smile. She could see the worry still housed in Christen’s eyes, but, for now, that was the only explanation she could give her.


	4. betty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinkle turns one of Tobin's favorite days into a nightmare. Tobin takes a long shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tobin's POV

_Betty,_ _one time I_ _was riding on my skateboard / When I_ _passed your house / It's like I couldn't breathe_

Tobin lived for Saturday practice. It was the one practice out of the week where she could skateboard from her house to the fields. Since they had moved to the neighborhood next to Christen’s the year before, they were only a short half mile away from the fields where they spent all their time. Skating allowed her to relax a bit and take a moment away from the outside pressures she felt weighing down on her. There was no dad telling her she wasn’t working hard enough on the field, no classes or homework to get done. Just her skateboard and the excitement of practice ahead. The days since Wednesday’s practice seemed to pass far too slowly. She was on edge for the rest of the week, wondering what Jaelene heard and if she told anyone. After two days to settle down, Tobin assumed she must not have heard anything significant considering everything was still normal with Christen.

She turned down her best friend’s street and saw the familiar house ahead. The Press home was large and stunning with a typical California look. Both Tobin and Christen were aware of their privilege and how lucky they were to live the lives they did. It’s one of the things they admired in each other. They had discussed one day finding a way to give back to kids who weren’t as fortunate as they were. Christen was passionate about advocating for those who couldn’t do so themselves, while Tobin wanted to create opportunity for more athletes in the sport who were held back by financial barriers.

She spotted Christen shuffling out her front door as she wheeled by. “I’m gonna beat you!” Tobin called out. Christen was always early to practice; she was almost competitive about her timeliness. She heard her favorite melodic laugh in the distance, and for a moment, she forgot how to breathe. They’ve been friends for years now and Tobin still couldn’t get over that sound.

“In your dreams!” Christen called back as she hopped into the driver’s seat of the car, her dad following behind with a nervous energy as he slid into the passenger’s seat. Christen could easily walk to practice, but the drive was a good time to get in practice before her driver’s test in the winter.

_You heard the rumors from Inez / You can't believe a word she says / Most times, but this time it was true_

Saturday practice was more laid back than their weekday training. It was more just a way to keep a ball at their feet on weekends they weren’t travelling to a tournament. Coach divided the girls into two teams and told them to just have some fun scrimmaging but keep it competitive. Unfortunately, Christen was placed on the opposing team. Even more unfortunately, Tobin was assigned to Jaelene’s team. She tried her best to conceal her disappointment, but her charade couldn’t continue when she heard Jaelene mutter, “Great, Heath-en is on our team.”

“What was that?” Tobin whipped her head around and shot a harsh glare at the other girl.

“Nothing.” Jaelene rolled her eyes and jogged away before Tobin could respond. She felt a presence next to her and turned to find Alex at her side.

“You good?”

“She definitely heard everything.” Tobin’s eyes were nearly glazed over as she just stared in the distance, unable to focus on anything in front of her.

“You can’t worry about that right now. We’ll take care of it later. Just play the game.” Alex gave her a light squeeze on her shoulder then jogged back to her place. Tobin took a deep breath and started walking to her position. She saw Christen across from her, looking on with an unreadable expression. Tobin had the looming sense that this scrimmage was going to be miserable.

And she was right. She could barely connect with anyone on the pitch. Her passes were off. None of her shots were remotely on target. Her footwork bordered on elementary. Everything was a mess. By the end of practice, after Tobin’s team was handed a decisive defeat, she was frustrated, scared, and dreading whatever Jaelene Hinkle had up her sleeve.

She started to take off her cleats and shin guards when she saw Hinkle make her way to the bathrooms in the clubhouse. Tobin shot up, slipped her feet into her slides, and followed hastily behind her. When she got to the bathroom, she found Jaelene washing her hands.

“Listen, Hinkle.” Her voice was a bit shaky, but still commanding enough to get her point across. “I don’t know what that comment was about out there, but it was totally uncalled for. You have no idea what you are talking about.”

Hinkle laughed. “Oh, I don’t?”

“Not at all.” Tobin stared her down. Her frustration only intensified as Hinkle’s smug look stayed in place.

“Well you know what I think?” Hinkle inquired. Tobin’s hardened gaze didn’t waiver. “Actually. It’s what I know. I know that you’re gay, Tobin.” Hinkle spit out. Tobin’s face fell. She hated what the girl called her. Even if she could accept her feelings for Christen, the label just pulled her into unease.

“That’s not…I’m…no, I’m not.” She finally found her words, but they were still weak as ever.

“Yes. You are.” Hinkle leaned against the sink and crossed her arms. “You like Christen. More than a friend. I’d say you’re in love with her given the way you follow her like a puppy dog.”

“I don’t follow her around!” Tobin was fuming. “And I don’t like her like that.”

Hinkle just laughed back in Tobin’s face. She gathered herself together to yell back, “Oh yes you do! I heard you! You told Alex you liked her!”

Tobin’s breathing was rapid. She nearly tuned out the entire world until she heard Hinkle say, “Oh, hey, Christen.” Tobin’s head whipped around and she saw her best friend standing in the bathroom entrance. The color drained from her face when she made eye contact. Christen’s eyes were expressionless, but her shock was evident.

“Christen.” Tobin managed to put together, the hint of panic seeping through her voice.

“I…uh…I have to go.” Christen backed out of the entrance and jogged over to the bench. Tobin stood frozen as she watched her grab her bag, throw it over her shoulder, and start jogging toward the exit. It was the first time Tobin had ever seen Christen leave practice before taking her 100 shots on goal.

Hinkle must have slipped out of the bathroom while she was in a daze, because suddenly, she was all alone. The weight of the altercation came crashing down on her, and she dropped to the floor, not caring how nasty the bathroom tiles were. Her tears poured uncontrollably. It wasn’t even about anyone knowing. Tobin just couldn’t forget the look on Christen’s face. She knew it was over. Their friendship would never be the same.

_Yeah, I showed up at your party / Will you have me? Will you love me? / Will you kiss me on the porch / In front of all your stupid friends? / If you kiss me, will it be just like I dreamed it? / Will it patch your broken wings?_

Tobin stayed in the bathroom for as long as she could, hoping that when she got out, everyone would be gone. When she stepped out of the bathroom, there were no others in sight. She made her way to the practice bench, gathered her things, grabbed her skateboard, and began her walk home. She didn’t have the energy to skate, and she chose the long route – the route that completely avoids Christen’s neighborhood.

She tried her best to be quiet as she entered her house, but her mom caught a glimpse of her dragging her feet into the door. “How was practice, honey?”

Tobin dropped her bags in the mudroom and walked by her mother. “Fine.” She kept moving toward the stairs.

“Don’t forget about the team party in an hour at the Press’.” Her mom called out. Tobin stopped in her tracks. In all her anxiety over the last few days, she completely forgot about the team spring season kick-off party the Press’ hosted every year for the girls.

She turned around to look at her mom. “Um. I’m not going.”

Her mom looked up from where she was reading one of her magazines. “What?”

“I don’t want to go.” Tobin’s voice was barely more than a mumble.

“Why not?”

“Don’t want to.” Tobin shrugged, but her mom wasn’t buying it.

“Why don’t you want to?” Her mom pressed further.

Suddenly, Tobin heard a book slam on the table. “Jesus, Cindy! She doesn’t want to go. It’s probably a good thing anyway. They don’t need these stupid parties. They shouldn’t be goofing around like that all the time.” For the first time in her life, Tobin was thankful for her dad’s obsession with discipline. She used the opportunity created by her parents bickering to slip out of the room and run upstairs to her room. She slammed the door and began to strip off her practice gear. She decided a shower would help wash away everything that happened that day.

She doesn’t know how it happened, but somehow, she’d been in the shower for over an hour. Her hair still wasn’t washed. She hadn’t done anything really, except stare at the wall and think. She thought about Hinkle calling her gay. About the way Alex was able to pick up on Tobin’s feelings. But mostly, about the look on Christen’s face as she stood in that bathroom entrance. That horrified, yet blank look. It was etched in Tobin’s mind. She wanted to go the rest of her life without seeing that look again.

Finally, she snapped out of her thoughts and finished cleaning herself up. She dried off, tossed some sweats and an old soccer t-shirt on and laid on her bed. Her thoughts kept running though – so fast that she could barely even decipher what was going through her mind. The one thing that remained consistent, though, was the thought that she couldn’t lose her friend.

She battled with her mind for another half hour when she suddenly became numb to the fear that used to swell within her.

“Fuck it.” She actually said it out loud. She sat up, grabbed her phone, slipped on her ratty Air Force 1’s, and walked out of her room, straight by her parents, and out the door. She kept a quick pace as she headed for the Press residence. When she got there, there were a couple cars still in front of their house, but the party must’ve ended, only a few stragglers remaining. She marched right up to the door and knocked. It was odd because usually she just walked right in, but today called for a knock.

Mrs. Press answered the door and the confusion quickly played across her face. “Tobin?”

“Hi, Mrs. Press. Where’s Chris?” Tobin rushed the words out.

“Tobin. Are you ok? Why are you out of breath? Did you run here?”

“I’m fine.” She took a deep breath to pull herself together. “I just need to talk to Christen.”

Stacy opened the door more to let Tobin in. “She’s on the porch…” Before she could say anything else, Tobin sped over to the porch that wrapped around the Press’s side yard. She could see Christen through the window scrolling through her phone with a frown etched into her face. Tobin knew the look. It was a mixture of sadness, confusion, frustration, and longing.

She stepped out on the porch, but Christen didn’t notice anyone had joined her. Too engrossed in her phone.

“Chris.” Tobin spoke softly. Christen’s head lifted up. Tobin couldn’t read her anymore. She’d never seen this look before. It was blank, but something was there that she couldn’t make out. “Can we talk?”

Christen took a shuddering breath. “I don’t think we have anything to talk about, Tobin.” Tobin searched for her eyes, but Christen refused to meet them. It was exactly what she feared, that Christen wouldn’t be able to look at her the same. That they would feel like strangers. She wasn’t going to give up though.

“We do, though.” She pleaded.

Christen turned her head, intent on avoiding eye contact. “We don’t. I heard Jaelene in the bathroom, okay?”

Tobin was now long over the anxiety bubbling within. She just wanted her friend to talk to her. “And that’s what we need to talk about.”  
“It’s fine, Tobin. I heard everything.” She looked over at Tobin, still avoiding her gaze, instead locking her eyes on her left ear. “I get it. Okay? You like Alex.”

What?

“What?” Tobin’s jaw dropped. Why on earth would Christen think she likes Alex? She heard a sniffle. Wait, is Christen crying?

“I heard Jaelene say you told Alex you liked her.” Christen raised a hand to wipe a tear that ran loose down her cheek. Yep. Christen was definitely crying.

“That wasn’t…I didn’t…” She stopped herself. “Chris. Why are you crying?”

Christen let out a pitiful laugh before sighing. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, seriously.” Tobin cocked her head to the side. She truly had no idea what was going on.

Christen finally looked up and met Tobin’s eyes. Tobin saw everything. Sadness. Jealousy. Heartache. Yearning. It was all there and “oh.” She let out softly, before repeating more clearly. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Christen looked away and wiped another tear.

“Chris.” She wouldn’t look up. “Christen.” Tobin spoke with more force. She finally got the other girl’s attention. “I don’t like Alex. Not like that.”

Christen’s brows furrowed. “Then what did Hinkle say you told her you liked her.”

This was it. Time to be brave, Tobin. “Hinkle heard me tell Alex I liked her. But Alex is not the ‘her’ she was referring to.” Christen only looked more perplexed. Finally, Tobin took in a deep breath and released. “I was talking about you. I told Alex I liked you. I like…it’s you, Chris.”

“Me?” Tobin took a careful step toward the bench Christen was sitting on. Christen’s eyes followed every move.

“You.” Tobin watched the realization hit Christen. She took the girl’s momentary shock as an opportunity to sit down next to her.

Christen turned her body toward her, knee brushing against Tobin’s. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to lose you.”

Christen let out an unbelieving laugh. “Tobin. You are so clueless.” She shook her head with the hint of a smile forming. Tobin’s turn to be confused. “I have had such a big crush on you since, like, seventh grade.”

Tobin’s turn to be shocked. “Me?”

Christen’s turn to say, “You.”

It took a moment for it to process. Christen actually liked her back. Christen liked her back for almost as long as she liked her. Holy. Shit. Now, Tobin just wanted to do the one thing she’s wanted to do since the day she met her best friend. “Chris. Can I kiss you?”

Christen didn’t answer. Not with her words, but her hands found Tobin’s cheeks and she pulled her lips into hers. Tobin’s mind had never been clearer than when she met Christen’s lips. She kissed perfectly, soft but the perfect hint of pressure, the same way she spoke. Tobin pushed into it, bringing her hand up to the back of Christen’s neck, feeling the curls tickle her palm, wanting to take in every ounce of the moment. When they finally pulled away, both girls wore the softest smiles. Tobin’s grin widened as she realized what just happened. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully, I'll be able to get another chapter out tomorrow! I'm just releasing them as I'm writing. Hoping to get the whole thing done before classes start up. Figured it might be cool to see if anyone can guess which song comes next after each chapter! They aren't in any order related to the albums, and they won't be alternating back and forth. It's pretty random based one what song fits best and when.


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